test kitchen

A Mindful Mother’s Day

When I was in middle school, I became friends with a girl whose mom had died. I remember coming home one day after hanging out with her and sprawling out on the couch in the family room, sobbing about her not having a mother on Mother’s Day. Of course at that point, I had never…

Río Celeste in the Rain

I’m told rain is coming. On the days that reach 92, 95, 97 degrees and the air conditioning at school breaks, I’m told rain is coming. Every morning after having woken up the night before around 2:00am to a pillow drenched in neck sweat, I’m told rain is coming. I’ve seen intermittent evidence of this,…

Rock Bottom

Let me start by saying that I know when I write about this, I write from a perspective of privilege and safety. That I know my rock bottom is still pretty damn good compared to what others experience. That my rock bottom isn’t really even rock bottom. But all experiences are relative, right? That being…

Selfish in Costa Rica

When I first visited Costa Rica in May 2017, it was my first time in Latin America. The culture, the people, the music, the beaches absolutely swept me off my feet. I spent the week doing things I’d never done before: scuba diving, riding horses on the beach, skinny dipping, drinking beer in the bed…

Sufjan Stevens’ Carrie & Lowell

Released in 2015, Carrie & Lowell is Sufjan Stevens’ devastatingly beautiful response to his childhood and mother’s death. I listened to it many times before John’s death and even more so after – I remember the first time I finally cried listening to “Fourth of July.” I wish I could personally thank Sufjan for this…

Valentine’s Day

Last year on this day, I had no idea that I had less than two weeks left with John. I had no idea that going to see Lion that evening was the last movie we’d ever see together in theaters. I had no idea that when I looked at him across the table under the…

The Hairdresser.

About a month after John died, I went to get a haircut – my first in many moons.

A Start.

It’s been about 281 days since John died – about 284 since I last felt his eyes on me.